Yes I know it’s late but like any promiscuous teenage girl or British rail station master will tell you- better late than never.

Again if reading isn’t your thing, luck is at hand and to keep up with market trends I’ve produced  “the MTV Cliff Notes 2008 End of Year Report for Dummies”  which reads as follows:

 

I am living and working in Shanghai. All the best for 2009 and Year of the Ox

 

Now for the Tolstoy epic of family, love, and betrayal, set in the backdrop of the Napoleonic wars:

 

2008 started off with a bang- literally. I was sat on a hill overlooking Sydney Harbour as fireworks lit the sky for 20 mins or so. It was my first time ever in Sydney and fell in love with the place. I can imagine the feeling might not have been the same in the middle of a winter rainstorm but in 28 degree weather it was as true a summer love affair as any American college student on study abroad in Paris has had.

 

It was tough having to leave the blue sky to return to the concrete jungle that is Shanghai and the cold winter weather especially since upon my return Shanghai was subjected to the greatest deluge of white powder since Nigerian “English teachers” began appearing in night clubs in 1998.

 

2008 was also a tough year to be in China as it was compulsory to have Beijing Olympic Games paraphernalia on one’s person at all times otherwise police officers would arrest you and take you away for anti-Olympic spirit. Luckily I always had my Fuwa man-purse on me otherwise I heard it was 10 years hard labour in the coal mines of Shanxi.

 

With the promise of a final swansong at the Hong Kong 7s (soccer) in May against the great teams of the world like Rangers, Aston Villa, and Hong Kong Happy Valley I decided to make good on the gym membership I had bought 3 months earlier and get those Peter Andre abs I’d wanted since 1996! Easier said than done as I was seriously beginning to wonder if I was the lovechild of Michael Owen and Martina Hingis given that I had been out injured for the last 8 months and was constantly relapsing. During this 8 months I’d never thought to inquire as to whether my insurance covered physio treatment which is Shanghai is a quite affordable (if you are Roman Abramovich) US$100/30mins. As chance happened it did and I was on the treatment table faster than you could say groin hyperextension! In spite of all the treatment, in the end I took another cortisone shot as close as I ever will want a needle near the family jewels and all seems to be ok until I injure myself again.

 

It was during one of these treatment sessions that the one of the biggest events of the year took place- the Szechuan Earthquake. While people may remember where they were when Kennedy was shot, 9/11, or when Take That announced they would split up I will remember the day the earth shook (or apparently did as I slept through it- same as 9/11). I came out of my $100 electric shock physiotherapy and was then told there had been an earthquake. While Chengdu is as close to Shanghai as London to Athens, there was still some tremors in Shanghai and high rise buildings were cleared.

 

After so much China bashing in the media over the torch relay, it seemed a cruel twist of fate that now the world’s media had to divert it’s focus to one of sympathy. The government quickly stepped in and soon the earthquake was everywhere in the media- in fact there was a period where every channel (ie 60 of them) played the same 24hour schedule of earthquake news and all advertising was taken off air (as was the NBA). It was a shame they both couldn’t have stayed off permanently! On a daily basis we were given the latest death toll, stories of courage, sadness, despair, hope, and most importantly how many pandas had lost their lives.

 

Daily conversations also changed. Instead of how old are you, where are you from, how much do you make? It became how old are you, where are you from, how much did you donate? There was a psychological necessity it seemed for everyone to Harry Enfield it with the charity and donations topic. Every day you got hit with donation callings when it became more obvious that it wasn’t just money that was urgently needed but logistical and physical support.

 

The only thing more boring than the NBA up until that point had been the torch relay. While the good people of Paris and London had given it a little excitement and made instant national heroes of the protectors of the torch (honestly there have to better ideas to free Tibet than trying to rip a torch from a girl in a wheelchair on global TV) by the time it hit China all the fun and games were over as there were never going to be any local liberal, politically correct, religious nut jobs willing to take on the torch and the wrath of a billion or so Chinese on home soil.

 

So after taking the torch to Everest, instead of getting to watch my sports news every morning at the regular spot I was subjected to watching a random celeb or ordinary person fully kitted in Olympic apparel (headband included)  jog/meander/limp 50metres before they handed the torch to another random celeb or ordinary person. Stupidest question of the year: to torch relay participants “how did you prepare yourself for the torch relay?” Given that it required the most basic of hand eye coordination and motor skills the amount of muppets who actually said they trained for the 50m marathon was amazing.

 

Had Luxembourg hosted the Olympics then the torch relay ordeal might have been over in a day but given the size of China it felt like it would never end. When it did end, the next media frenzy was how to focus on everything that could go wrong with the games.

The government did their best to make sure everything would go well: they spent US$738 squillion billion on security, made their visa rules much stricter, (effectively kicking all the good for nothing ne’er do well foreigners out- ie consultants and the French- and making it practically impossible to get a visa to get into China for the games), and told all foreign journalists they wouldn’t be able to access all websites in China (ie porn and freetibet.com). What kind of sick dictatorship would dare to take away every man’s (and women’s) basic human right to internet porn. The media fury at this made me relieved to know my traditional media sources are all as objective as ever!

 

The one thing they couldn’t control was the weather and everyday BBC and CNN flashed images of the doomsday sky hanging over Beijing and how their “air purity” test had Beijing’s air sitting between mustard gas and asbestos. Funnily enough I was in Beijing 3 times from July to the end of the Olympics and it was sunny blue sky every day I was there. Based on CNN reports I did give up my Fuwa man purse in order to carry a Fuwa gas mask at all times just in case the air purity went to mustard gas level but surprisingly it never did.

 

The Olympics themselves were awesome. From the opening ceremony to the anticlimactic closing ceremony they were a credit to the organizers. There was a tremendous atmosphere around the city and barring the extraordinary stabbing of the American tourist, they passed without the apocalypse or World War 3 occurring.

 

Did the locals care much about them is another matter. I was the only one in the office who went down to kitchen in our office to turn on the TV to watch Phelps create history, and no one really paid much attention to anything other than the plight of the great Liu Xiang who pulled out with a dodgy hammy/calf/ankle/foot in a qualifying heat! As he carried the hopes of the nation, conspiracy theories were rife as to whether the China premier would in fact show up if he lost to a black man on home soil but Liu Xiang did the honorable thing and saved his Premier the indignity.

 

I managed to get to a few events most notably the 100m men’s sprint Final and the Brazil-Argentina football semifinal. The Bird’s Nest was quite something to look at from the outside but once inside you soon realize how boring live athletics is when trying to watch 6 events going on at the same time all of which are qualifiers. This coupled with a 50minute wait to get to the front of the concession stand only be told they only had 2 items on the menu from a list of 40 and the Olympic experience was complete. At least you could buy beer for 60cents/can and could purchase 10 at a time with them even having boxes for you to carry them off in.

 

I went to 4 football matches in all and while it was great to watch the likes of Messi, Riquelme, and Ronaldinho, from an atmosphere perspective it’s strange sitting in a stadium where nobody really cares who wins. Their interest in football itself was exemplified when 80% of the crowd turned their heads to look for Kobe Bryant in the stands just as the Argies were taking a free kick just outside the box.

 

In terms of work, it was a fairly quiet year as all budgets had gone in long ago to doing something on the Olympics which meant trying to pitch to clients anything non-Olympic was going to be as likely as a sober Irishmen in a distillery.

I did get the chance to be involved in 2 interesting projects. One being the Nike Human Race and the other the Shanghai Fashion Week.

 

Nike had decided to make Shanghai one of its global participating cities and wanted to promote competitive running culture in China. Having at the last minute changed the start time from 7pm to 7am on a wet Sunday morning, I was confident that the initial forecasted participant numbers would be nowhere near 20,000, but I was so wrong. I was given the task of supervising a water station which was raped and pillaged by the modern equivalent of a Mongol horde. A never ending sea of red meandered through the station devouring everything in its path for 30mins.

 

Now I may not be a running expert but when did competitive running involve carrying an umbrella in one hand and your girlfriend in your other while carrying a backpack and WALKING the course (sometimes the girlfriend was replaced by a cigarette). The funniest part was watching the participants start a new competition called “How many Chinese can you fit under a small Gatorade tent in a competitive running event because there’s a mild bit of summer rain”. The answer was 317!

 

Shanghai Fashion Week was the other highlight of the year. With there being more meat on an X-ray than on the models themselves my time backstage was spent philosophizing over the questions of how can a woman be “wafer thin, breastless and yet so attractive?” and then in follow up to this “is a woman without breasts a woman?” Nevertheless it turned out most models had personalities in proportion to their chests or maybe it was just that I am a complete loser as I got no numbers and only a 2 sec perv through the curtains once!

 

I will leave you with some thoughts on observations in China:

 

Style:

Since I am not Italian and come from a country where fashion sense is defined by the number of holes you have in your own replica shirt of the local rugby team it’s maybe not my place to say but … when did wearing a blue suit jacket, a brown cardigan, black suit trousers and brown sneakers ever qualify as suitable business attire? Luckily most Chinese men manage to pull this off by carrying at all times a Gucci brown man-purse (have seen this even incorporating red cherries into the design) which ultimately brings this colourful ensemble together.

In a country that prides itself as developing in leaps and bounds, you’d be surprised at the number of workers who think jeans and a Tshirt is standard business attire at any level!

 

Chinese names (again):

This is an inexhaustible list but recently our company employed a Hong Kongese (or Hong Kongonian I guess) who introduced himself as Snowman! Talk about shooting yourself in the foot socially and professionally before you’ve even met anyone. How could any girl seriously consider going out with a guy called Snowman?

When I asked him what at all possessed him call himself Snowman his answer was that he liked the book “the Snowman” by Raymond Briggs. It did make me wonder whether he has the DVD at home and spends his Friday nights singing in falsetto “While walking in the air… “!  Hopefully interest in children’s books will not become a trend otherwise I can see the future of a new wave of Chinese called Asterix, Tintin, Barney, and Captain Pugwash.

 

Milk

Don’t drink it. Seems like all the vegans were right and soya is the future. Who would have thought?

 

Chicken

Apparently can’t eat that either as bird flu is back for the 401^st time.

 

Chinese locker rooms

I never really thought a hairdryer would be used for drying ALL bodily hair but the Chinese are so inventive. Too bad for the next person using it though.

 

Global financial Crisis

Now more expensive to have a pint in pub in Shanghai than in London. Go figure!

 

Well as the Chinese say Gongxi Facai and Happy Niu Year

 

Keep me posted as to your movements and I leave you with the deep musings of the words on a pencil case I saw recently in a shop here:

 

“Life is painted noly red, green, but also in grey and dard. Let us welcome life with smiles whatever it is. Best wishes for my Best friends and welcome To our little happy world. When you have problem, Remember me please”

 

Couldn’t have said it better myself!

 

Cheers

 

Roland

这样就不用再听国外的运动员抱怨北京的污染的空气。

 

因为每个运动员身处同样的环境，因此不存在对谁有利对谁不利

 

如果你不喜欢北京的空气， 那别来参加奥运

这样就不用再看奥运圣火的新闻报告。

 

除了体育节目以外我不经常看中国电视， 但是每天早上8点我习惯看CCTV5的体育新闻报道。

 

不过今年夏天我越来越失望了。虽然我一起来了就想看体坛聚焦但是CCTV5只有圣火传递的直播。

 

看4个月的圣火传递直播以后， 我想要圣火快点到北京。看一些陌生人在不认识的地方慢慢地跑步我一点都没有兴趣。

 

至少在国外的北京圣火传递过程中有戏剧性和冲突。

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

这样就不用再听奥运歌了。

 

虽然CCTV每天都会播放不同的奥运主题歌曲，但是我还是不知道哪首歌是奥运官方主题歌。

反正我再也不想听一群明星合唱『同一个世界，同一个梦想』了。

 

 

 

为了DVD商店都可以再开门！

 

刚刚发现了在小区里，每个DVD商店都关门了。 我要哭了。 我希望酒吧也不要关门因为如果酒和DVD都没有的话，怎么享受上海的生活？